MMA has it’s moments of nearly cinematic brilliance: the epic comebacks, the intense brawls, the underdog stories. But I’ll cover those later. For now let’s talk about those moments that make your girlfriend go, “seriously? you watch this shit?”
International Vale Tudo Championship 1: Gary Goodridge vs Pedro Otavio
Gary Goodridge came into this fight listing his style as ‘Arm Wrestling’ and complaining that they weren’t allowing his favorite moves – biting and eye gouging. But Gary had a backup plan that these early MMA rules didn’t prohibit – dick assault! “The Pedro” was walking into a slaughterhouse for cocks and he was clueless of the travesties about to be committed on little Pedro. Gary went full force at The Pedro’s nether-regions, he squeezed, kicked, punched, grabbed, and occasionally massaged it. The crowd boo’s at this inhuman assault, and the ref nearly has a nervous breakdown as he struggles between what is morally right and the actual rules of the fight. Eventually the fight was called as a TKO due to groin punches. Seriously.
WEC 36: Paulo Filho vs Chael Sonnen
Filho was the WEC Middleweight Champion coming into this bout and widely considered one of the top middleweights in the world. Chael Sonnen had recently lost to Filho by using his now famous method of kicking his opponents ass the entire fight and losing by submission. Well, Filho was ready to defend his belt decisively this time, you can’t take the belt away if the champ misses weight, and Filho came in massively overweight. Keep in mind that Filho is short even for lighter weight classes, so him coming in over 185 lbs. must have involved a PED quarter-pounder. Filho’s other defense for Sonnen was consuming LSD an hour before the fight.* At least that’s what we’re forced to assume, since he doesn’t really fight so much as he wanders and mumbles for 3 rounds. Chael later recalled Filho asking to lie down and rest for a bit. For 3 rounds we watched a man who had recently went insane get gently punched, people walked away from this fight saying, “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest didn’t end how I remembered.”
*As I was writing this article, Paulo was hospitilized for consuming such an insane amount of Roofies that the doctor said he “couldn’t believe [Paulo’s] alive”. Then he promptly retired from MMA and refused to go to rehab. This explains everything.
K-1 Dynamite 2005: Heath Herring vs Yoshihiro Nakau
On New Years Eve a few years back, we all witnessed as one jilted lover tried to win another back with a sweet kiss in front of thousands of spectators, but was rejected and passed out due to heartbreak. Then we found out it was supposed to be a fight.
I couldn’t find the full video anywhere, but it’s worth noting how Heath runs around screaming “I’M NOT GAY!” and the last few times he says it, doesn’t sound convinced he’s telling the truth.
UFC 5: Ken Shamrock vs Royce Gracie 2
Some fans of the ground game have listed this as one of the better grappling matches in the history of the sport, to which all sane fans of the sport respond with “WHAAAA?” This was a 30 minute hug that occasionally got interrupted by a ref who stood them up only so they could go right back to cuddling on the ground. This wasn’t a fight, this was spooning. Everyone scratched their heads and tried to find a solution – release the spiders? electrify the mat? When mothers walked in on their sons watching this fight, thousands of kids across the country had to explain, much like Heath Herring, that they weren’t gay. I won’t link to the fight to avoid creating any unnecessary sexual confusion. But here is the fight in a nutshell:
UFC 83: Nate Quarry vs Kalib Starnes
There are many factors that go into judging a fight, and one of the more ambiguous aspects is “cage control”. It basically means your ability to dictate the pace and control what your opponent does scores you points. Well if that’s the case then Kalib Starnes is the greatest fighter anywhere ever. He spends three rounds running away from Nate Quarry. Quarry spends the first 2 and a half rounds leaping towards Kalib with kicks and punches that miss only because it’s really hard to hit a guy sprinting in the opposite direction.
Kalib must’ve been tricked into this fight, because he definitely was not expecting to have to punch and kick on that night. Then in the last couple of minutes Quarry starts mocking his opponent by doing the running man and waddling like an elephant. It was clear he was hoping to piss Kalib off enough to actually partake in a fight, but it only scares Kalib even more! After the fight the Internet went rampant with rumors Kalib was on ALL the drugs, because a balloon filled with heroin and ecstasy bursting in Kalib’s lower intestine is the only reasonable excuse for such a performance.
UFC 75: Cheick Kongo vs Cro Cop
We start this piece with a travesty committed on dicks, and we’ll end with a travesty committed on ballsacks. The maturity level in here is top notch. This was billed as a stand-up battle between two top-level kick boxers, we knew someone was going to get knocked silly. But we didn’t have the foresight to replace “somebody” with “scrotum”. Kongo has a history of throwing knees to the inside of the opponent’s thigh that almost always finds their cup, but there was no way this was on accident.
Everytime he and Cro Cop clinched an errant knee would ram Cro Cop’s cup up into his gut. I seem to be in the minority in thinking Kongo should be in prison for crimes against humanity, but I stand by that. The fight went to decision in favor of Kongo. I forgot to mention that in the UFC, something that is more important than “cage control” is “nut damage”.