6 Most Hilariously Awful Moments in MMA History

MMA has it’s moments of  nearly cinematic brilliance: the epic comebacks, the intense brawls, the underdog stories. But I’ll cover those later. For now let’s talk about those moments that make your girlfriend go, “seriously? you watch this shit?”

International Vale Tudo Championship 1: Gary Goodridge vs Pedro Otavio

Gary Goodridge came into this fight listing his style as ‘Arm Wrestling’ and complaining that they weren’t allowing his favorite moves – biting and eye gouging. But Gary had a backup plan that these early MMA rules didn’t prohibit – dick assault! “The Pedro” was walking into a slaughterhouse for cocks and he was clueless of the travesties about to be committed on little Pedro. Gary went full force at The Pedro’s nether-regions, he squeezed, kicked, punched, grabbed, and occasionally massaged it. The crowd boo’s at this inhuman assault, and the ref nearly has a nervous breakdown as he struggles between what is morally right and the actual rules of the fight. Eventually the fight was called as a TKO due to groin punches. Seriously.

Here’s the video of the fight, though fair warning, clicking this link surely will put you on some type of FBI watchlist.

WEC 36: Paulo Filho vs Chael Sonnen

Filho was the WEC Middleweight Champion coming into this bout and widely considered one of the top middleweights in the world. Chael Sonnen had recently lost to Filho by using his now famous method of kicking his opponents ass the entire fight and losing by submission. Well, Filho was ready to defend his belt decisively this time, you can’t take the belt away if the champ misses weight, and Filho came in massively overweight. Keep in mind that Filho is short even for lighter weight classes, so him coming in over 185 lbs. must have involved a PED quarter-pounder. Filho’s other defense for Sonnen was consuming LSD an hour before the fight.* At least that’s what we’re forced to assume, since he doesn’t really fight so much as he wanders and mumbles for 3 rounds. Chael later recalled Filho asking to lie down and rest for a bit. For 3 rounds we watched a man who had recently went insane get gently punched, people walked away from this fight saying, “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest didn’t end how I remembered.”

Here’s the awkwardness in all it’s glory.

*As I was writing this article, Paulo was hospitilized for consuming such an insane amount of Roofies that the doctor said he “couldn’t believe [Paulo’s] alive”. Then he promptly retired from MMA and refused to go to rehab. This explains everything.

K-1 Dynamite 2005: Heath Herring vs Yoshihiro Nakau

On New Years Eve a few years back, we all witnessed as one jilted lover tried to win another back with a sweet kiss in front of thousands of spectators, but was rejected and passed out due to heartbreak. Then we found out it was supposed to be a fight.

I couldn’t find the full video anywhere, but it’s worth noting how Heath runs around screaming “I’M NOT GAY!” and the last few times he says it, doesn’t sound convinced he’s telling the truth.

UFC 5: Ken Shamrock vs Royce Gracie 2

Some fans of the ground game have listed this as one of the better grappling matches in the history of the sport, to which all sane fans of the sport respond with “WHAAAA?” This was a 30 minute hug that occasionally got interrupted by a ref who stood them up only so they could go right back to cuddling on the ground. This wasn’t a fight, this was spooning. Everyone scratched their heads and tried to find a solution – release the spiders? electrify the mat? When mothers walked in on their sons watching this fight, thousands of kids across the country had to explain, much like Heath Herring, that they weren’t gay. I won’t link to the fight to avoid creating any unnecessary sexual confusion. But here is the fight in a nutshell:

Thank you Google Image!

UFC 83: Nate Quarry vs Kalib Starnes

There are many factors that go into judging a fight, and one of the more ambiguous aspects is “cage control”. It basically means your ability to dictate the pace and control what your opponent does scores you points. Well if that’s the case then Kalib Starnes is the greatest fighter anywhere ever. He spends three rounds running away from Nate Quarry. Quarry spends the first 2 and a half rounds leaping towards Kalib with kicks and punches that miss only because it’s really hard to hit a guy sprinting in the opposite direction.

Kalib must’ve been tricked into this fight, because he definitely was not expecting to have to punch and kick on that night. Then in the last couple of minutes Quarry starts mocking his opponent by doing the running man and waddling like an elephant. It was clear he was hoping to piss Kalib off enough to actually partake in a fight, but it only scares Kalib even more! After the fight the Internet went rampant with rumors Kalib was on ALL the drugs, because a balloon filled with heroin and ecstasy bursting in Kalib’s lower intestine is the only reasonable excuse for such a performance.

UFC 75: Cheick Kongo vs Cro Cop

We start this piece with a travesty committed on dicks, and we’ll end with a travesty committed on ballsacks. The maturity level in here is top notch. This was billed as a stand-up battle between two top-level kick boxers, we knew someone was going to get knocked silly. But we didn’t have the foresight to replace “somebody” with “scrotum”. Kongo has a history of throwing knees to the inside of the opponent’s thigh that almost always finds their cup, but there was no way this was on accident.

Google "Cro Cop vs. Kongo" and it's almost a full page of images like this.

Everytime he and Cro Cop clinched an errant knee would ram Cro Cop’s cup up into his gut. I seem to be in the minority in thinking Kongo should be in prison for crimes against humanity, but I stand by that. The fight went to decision in favor of Kongo. I forgot to mention that in the UFC, something that is more important than “cage control” is “nut damage”.

To be fair, this is totally asking for it.

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Fight of the Day: Zambidis vs Chahid

This is one of the craziest kickboxing matches I’ve ever witnessed. These two were so filled with hate you would have thought they were coming back from having sex with the others mom. The best part about this slugfest is that it goes into an extension round because the first 3 were so back and forth. I take that back, the best part is Michael “The Voice” Schiavello announcing the fight and screaming things like “The Mayor of Munchkintown!” and “You crazy Oompa Loompa!”


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Strikeforce: Overeem vs. Werdum Preview

Alistair Overeem (34-11) vs Fabricio Werdum (9-4)

This is a fight between the best striker in the heavyweight division (Overeem) and the best grappler in the division (Werdum). These two fought years ago with Werdum coming out on top. But Overeem is a completely different monster now, with 30 lbs of muscle packed on and a K-1 World title on top of his Strikeforce title. Overeem’s striking has been polished to perfection, and I have a hard time believing anyone in his division can stand toe to toe with him. Werdum is coming off of the submission heard ‘round the world with his victory over Fedor, but that was over a year ago and I think some ring rust might rear it’s head. I think Overeem embarrasses Werdum only a little less than he did to Brett Rogers. Prediction: Overeem by 1st round TKO.


Josh Barnett (29-5) vs Brett Rogers (11-2)

Barnett is the favorite coming into this fight and his experience far outweighs Rogers. But Barnett has only two fights in the past two years against less-than-stellar opposition. Rogers is an up-and-comer whose only losses have come at the hands of elite fighters Fedor and Ubereem. If your betting on any fight, I would put money down on this one and on the surprise TKO win for Rogers. Prediction: Rogers by 2nd round TKO.


KJ Noons (9-2) vs Jorge Masvidal (21-6)

Noons is fighting for the first time this year after a busy 2010 had him go 3-1 with his lone loss to the Strikeforce champ Nick Diaz. Masvidal impressed a lot of people by dominating Billy Evangelista, but I don’t think his boxing is near the level of Noons.  Neither has knockout power, so expect the winner to be the one with the better combinations. Prediction: Noons by decision.


Daniel Cormier (7-0) vs. Jeff Monson (42-11)

Cormier is an Olympic caliber wrestler, he was on the 2004 and 2008 teams and was the captain in 2008. His MMA career is still young, though, having just started in late 2009 and only seven bouts to his name, three within a month of each other. Monson is the definition of seasoned veteran and the majority of his victories have come via submission. Cormier will probably try to get this to the ground and grind Monson down, but I have a feeling the submissions expert will pull a trick out of his bag on the newbie. Prediction: Monson by 1st round submission.


Valentijn Overeem (29-25) vs. Chad Griggs (10-1)

Valentijn is Ubereem’s less successful brother, with a completely unremarkable record and his last notable wins over Renato Sobral and Randy Couture being over ten years ago. To give him credit where it’s due, that neck crank over Ray Sefo earlier this year was pretty nice. Griggs is a solid fighter with 9 of his wins coming by way of KO or TKO. However, Overeem trains with his brother at Golden Glory, and I have a hard time giving anyone the edge over a Golden Glory boy in the striking department. On the other side of that, Valentijn doesn’t take a punch as well as his brother, and Griggs has heavy hands. Prediction: Griggs by 2nd round KO via muttonchops.

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Slugfest of the Day: Cyborg vs. Manhoef

This, for me, is tied with Griffin vs. Bonnar for the greatest slugfest of all time. To clarify, by slugfest I mean a fight where the fighters make a gentleman’s agreement to not throw any technically sound strikes or take the fight to the ground, they just throw bombs at each other. A guy like Lyoto Machida or Anderson Silva would pick these guys part in minutes. That’s the fun of it though, just watching two heavy handed guys going for the knockout shot with every punch. Great stuff this.

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Top 11 Most Brutal K-1 Knockouts

Peter Aerts vs Rob Van Esdonk – K1 Grand Prix 1994 (KO around 16:15)

Peter Aerts is one of the greatest kickboxer’s of all time. Rob Van Esdonk is lanky and awkward. You can see where this is going. This looks more like an instructional video on how to disassemble tall stalks of corn. I’ve seen less carnage in Quinton Tarntino films. In the 3rd round Aerts finally puts Van Esdonk out of his misery with a head kick, but instead of going straight down, Van Esdonk’s now mindless body just stands there with his hand on his chin like he’s contemplating sleep or more punishment. Aerts helps him with this decision with a little love tap on the chin.

Ernesto Hoost vs John Kleijn (KO around 8:20)

Ernesto Hoost’s nickname is Mr. Perfect. He kicks ass like everyone did in their imaginations when they were 7. Hoost spent most of this fight throwing crisp combinations and casually moving out of the way of any John Kleijn attack. Then Kleijn opened up with a hook, and Hoost threw a piston of a cross right into Kleijn’s jaw. His head snapped back so hard people in the 50th row got splattered with his sweat. Kleijn goes limp and falls to the ground like a pile of laundry, and Hoost does his trademark faabuloouus victory dance just to rub it in.

Jerome Le Banner vs Ray Sefo (KO around 00:45)

Ray Sefo is made of titanium and the ashes of ancient Viking warlords. But he was still new to K-1 at the time of this fight and wasn’t given much of a chance against a living legend in Jerome Le Banner. Le Banner knocked Sefo down in the 1st and awoke the raging Viking spirits that were slumbering in Ray’s fists. Le Banner came in strong but careless, thinking he was about to close the fight. But when titanium bones and angry war-fists combine, they don’t have to hit hard to break your jaw in four separate places. Which is exactly what Sefo did to Le Banner.

John Kleijn vs Serugio Augusto Machado (Both KO’s around 3:35)

A few seconds into this fight, Kleijn hits Machado with a high kick that scrambles his brain. Machado pops right back up, but his composure is deceiving. As the ref is doing the standing count, Machado makes a face like someone who’s deciding whether or not they want curly fries with their shake. Then when the ref gets in his face to ask if he’s ok, he nods yes, but with a look of confusion as to why a small Asian man is yelling at him in Arby’s. Then he walks into the center of the ring so a fat white guy can knock him out cold, which is what happens everytime I go to an Arby’s.

Mike Bernardo vs Masaaki Satake (awesome starts around 6:30)

This is a classic fight. Satake was picked apart in the first round and Bernardo was swinging for the fences. Bernardo connected a couple of times and sent Satake to the mat hard. But despite losing all the memories from before age 18, Satake kept getting up. Bernardo has Satake backing up and hurt early in the 2nd, and Satake whiffs with a head kick but uses his momentum to swing his other leg around for a spinning heel kick that wobbles Bernardo. Just watch the ending.

Bob Sapp vs Akebono (KO around 2:50)

Bob Sapp looks like those cows that are artificially bred to be mostly meat. Akebono is a sumo wrestler whose body mass was mostly margerine. This fight gave cannibals all across the globe raging boners. Then Sapp nailed Akebono with a punch that sent his boneless gravy-sack of a body to the mat, and across the world tubs of Crisco wept for their fallen brother.

Stefan Leko vs Peter Aerts

Want a lesson in why you keep your hands up during a fight? Here’s the textbook. Both of these fighters throw some wild kicks and punches at each other and fall backwards. As they close back in, Leko has his hands on his chin, Aerts’ hands are by his side, guess who gets knocked out?

Takayuki Kohiruimaki vs Kozo Takeda (Meteor Strikes around 3:55)

Kozo was winning most of this fight with combos and tree-chopping leg kicks that knocked Takayuki down a few times. But if it’s the strike you never see coming that gets you, then Kozo has no fucking excuse. Takayuki is measuring up for a knockout strike the whole fight. He barely makes any moves, just measures up all of Kozo’s attacks. Then in the 2nd Takayui  pulls Kozo’s head down and throws a meteor of a right knee straight through Kozo’s guard. The result is exactly like the movie Armageddon, but if the asteroid won.

Mighty Mo vs Kaoklai Kaenorsing (Mighty Mo breaks it down around 4:45)

Mighty Mo is a Polynesian kickboxer, which means his jaw and fists are made of hardened volcanic rock infused with crazy. Kaoklai is a champion kickboxer from the mecca of Muay Thai, Thailand. And apparently, when you combine those ingredients and put them in a ring, you get hilarious unconscious dance moves.

Ernesto Hoost vs Maurice Smith (KO around 13:05)

Looking back on the history of these two fighters, you would think Hoost would blow Smith out of the water and dominate, but it was pretty closely contested. The two traded knees in the clinch and chopping leg kicks, and after 2 rounds it was an even fight. Hoost came out in the third with evil intentions. He was pushing the pace and had Smith backing up for most of the round. Then they clinch in the middle of the ring and Hoost pushes out of it and at the exact same moment throws a high kick directly into Smith’s brain. There are still memorials held at that location every year for all of Maurice Smith’s brain cells.

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Anderson Silva: The Spider’s Venom

Anderson Silva is one of the greatest MMA fighters ever, and easily the best Pound for Pound fighter out there today. A lot of people out there who enjoy fighting and watching fights got their start as kids watching Bruce Lee movies. Silva took it to another level by emulating everything Lee did, and then he stepped it up even more until Bruce Lee’s ghost  appeared to say “Damn! You Scary!”. That really happened, I want to say it was UFC 64. Where was I? Oh right, Silva is like Neo at the end of the Matrix, he’s figured out how to bend time and space so that everyone else looks like a sleeping sloth and he looks like a cheetah on cocaine. In this fight with Jorge Rivera, a solid fighter in his own right, Silva beats him down so thoroughly he had to deal with human rights organizations after. Watch the camera’s zoom in on Jorge right after the stoppage, the look in his eyes is exactly what happens when you see your life flash before you.


A few years later, after dominating the UFC’s middleweight contenders, Silva moved up to 205 lbs. for the second time to fight fan favorite Forrest Griffin. The first time he went up in weight he knocked out James Irvin with one punch (see picture at the top for Irvin’s remains), Forrest only wishes he could have been less embarrassed than that. Silva bobs and weaves out of the way of any Griffin attack like an oracle told him the day before exactly what Griffin would be doing. Anderson only needs to clip Forrest a couple of times before he goes down more of broken pride than broken jaw.


Silva’s fight with Chael Sonnen is probably the best fight that I’ve ever watched live. Silva had pretty much steamrolled everyone he’d fought in the UFC, sans a couple of lackluster fights against not-so-game opponents. Then comes Chael talking all sorts of trash about Silva and his camp and his teammates. That prompted Wanderlei Silva’s infamous “in Brazil, you lose your teeth if you don’t show respect” lecture towards Chael. This fight delivered. Chael dominated most of the fight with top control and little rabbit punches from the top. On the feet it was still Silva’s game, but it never stayed standing for long. Then with 2 minutes left in the fight . . . shit just watch it.

http://www.mmageeks.co.cc/2010/08/anderson-silva-vs-chael-sonnen.html (scroll down until you see the title of the fight with a password you have to type in to watch it)

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Fight of the Day: Lyoto Machida vs. Rashad Evans

I like to think of Machida as the ego-humbler of the UFC. I’m not counting fights against Randy Couture and Shogun Rua, those guys are already humble and respectful. But he had three straight fights against cocky meatheads (in my opinion): Tito Ortiz, Thiago Silva, and this fight’s opponent, Rashad Evans. This isn’t the most exciting fight ever, Rashad is clearly worried about Lyoto’s explosiveness and his tentative attitude shows it. But the knockout is worth the wait.


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