As I’ve mentioned before, and I’m sure some of you have noticed on your own, the Japanese have an unhealthy obsession with the weird. They blur out pubic hair in their porn, but you get free tentacle-rape with every kid’s meal. Japan is also where MMA really started to blossom as a legitimate sport. However, Japan did everything possible to destroy this legitimacy by injecting the sport with their acute sense of “what the fuck”, and The Freak Show Fight was born. They would pit tiny 4 ft. rice-field workers against 7 ft. robot-murder-machines and broadcast it. These are some of the more entertaining Freak Show Fights ever held:
Fedor Emeliananko vs. Hong man-Choi
This fight was set as an exhibition MMA match between the greatest MMA Heavyweight of all time, and a man whose only fighting skill was being enormously tall. An exhibition match means nobody tries to do any real harm. This one started out no different, until Fedor climbed up Hong’s arm to try for an armbar. Hong then casually lifted his arm up with Fedor attached, it looked like he was trying to make a flying contraption out of angry Russians. Fedor let go of the arm and as he was standing up, Hong popped him with a couple of punches. Fedor can be a kind-hearted man, but he was specifically designed by insane Russian scientists to burrow into the center of the earth and plant bombs, so when Hong clipped his nose, he flipped Fedor’s kill-switch. Hong knew it. He extended his arm in good will, hoping to calm down the wild Russian beast, but to no avail. Prime Fedor would fight any creature at any moment, I’m almost certain Pride set up a fight between him and Swamp Thing, but I can’t find video of it at the moment. I did, however, find this next gem.
Fedor Emelenianko vs Zuluzhino
Zuluzhino weighed 341 lbs at the time of this fight, with one win by way of absorbing his opponent into his gut. Watch Fedor as this fight begins, you can almost see him saying “I don’t have time for this shit.” Zulu stands square in front of Fedor, though admittedly it’s hard to have good foot work when your body is 90% butter and gravy. Fedor waits for a moment, and slams a left into his Zulu’s jaw. Zulu goes down like one of those bottom-heavy punching clowns, he rolls around for a bit, then pops back up only to get slammed with another punch. Zulu then quickly taps out when he realizes that his trainers lied and this ring was, in fact, not where the all-you-can-eat buffet was being held
Butterbean vs Minowa
This isn’t so much of a fight as it is a long, awkward cuddle. Minowa starts it by throwing a couple of diving kicks, which are awesome, and then Butterbean seizes the opportunity when Minowa falls to the ground, and pounces with the same grace of century old buildings being demolished. Butterbean then just lies on top of Minowa. Butterbean approaches grappling the same way he eats mashed potatoes, just fall into it and roll around until you’re satisfied. This goes on until Minowa squirms out and gets an armbar. Butterbean gets up shaking his head, because he can’t remember the last time his food fought back like that.
Giant Silva vs. Minowa
Now I could put any Giant Silva fight on this list, or just make a list comprised of his fights. Not much is more entertaining than watching tiny Japanese fighters climb this tower of a human being, and almost always kick his ass. But I picked this one because Minowa always makes for an entertaining fight. Minowa starts this one by doing an incredible cartwheel single-leg takedown (just watch it) and then rappelling up Silva’s body. Then Minowa throws some knees to Silva’s face and he taps, getting up and looking absolutely stunned that someone would hurt him in a fight.
Bob Sapp vs. Kinnukuman
This is a fight between a cartoonishly built man in Bob Sapp, and an actual cartoon character. Japan seems to have a habit of making fights while completely blazed, but when they sober up they never change their mind. So K-1 had Bob Sapp fight an amateur wrestler dressed as a carton character. I have nothing else to say.
Nogueira vs Bob Sapp
I was reluctant to put this on here, because it’s actually got one of the better fighters and probably the best heavyweight submission’s expert of all-time in Minitauro Nogueira. But Bob Sapp’s complete lack of talent makes up for that. At the beginning of the fight Nogueira shoots for a single-leg, but Sapp grabs and rips him up off the ground and fucking piledrives him. Straight onto his head. This is the moment we discovered that when the nuclear holocaust happens, only cockroaches and Nogueira’s would survive. Instead of going limp and lifeless, Nogueira shrugged it off. Then he let Sapp wrestle himself exhausted after trying for about a dozen more murder-piledrivers, none as successful as that first one. Sapp has the cardio of a sloth with no lungs, so it didn’t take long, and Nogueira quickly submitted him.